Hi All of you WONDERFUL DOCTORS! I just want to tell you all that, my cell alarm is set to watch your show every morning. I am a TRUE FAN! :+).
I am a "Wannabe". I wanna be me again. I used to be super energetic, strong willed, determined, very helpful and there for others (oh I enjoyed being the caregiver, listener, helper, advisor etc. TRUE JOY), the go to girl and never let anything stand in my way.
I am 54yrs young so.. there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for me to not STILL be that person. She is inside just struggling to get out.
Typical story...Was married from 1981-1989 to a man who was mousey, whiney, and was sucking the life out of me with his ho-hum personality (that developed when we said I DO). I had always lived life to the fullest and wanted/needed to be sociable and on the go. The "couch potatoe" in him, did NOT mix with the "spitfire" in me. The ONLY thing we had in common was the desire for children. Perhaps I more so than him as, my 1st adorable son "Little Chad" passed away at 1 month old and, I was told by a specialist that, an infection had left my Phelopion tubes clubed and, fixing them was as possible as fixing a severed spine. Our Prayers Blessed us with a very health bouncing baby boy 8ls. 5oz. on 6/5/85!!! My husbands mousey quiet personality sent me into a world that only had room for our Son Billy and we started divorce proceeding in 1987.
Now to get up to speed FAST...Lived with an alchoholic drug using severely emotionally and PHYSICALLY abusive control freak and brainwasher for 8yrs. On Dec.13th, 1999 the escape that my bestfriend planned for us was put in motion. He left for work at 8am. We grabbed the clothes on our baks some personal items and, leaving EVERYTHING I'D WORKED FOR BEHIND, were out of there by 10:30am. NEVER TO LOOK BACK OR RETURN.
Around September of 2005, my ex-brother-in-law introduced me to his cousin. He said it was time to get out into the world again and a fairytale Love story was born! He was so gentle, soft spoken, attentive, tall dark, and handsome, and taught me that I'd been being treated WRONG by a man who clearly needed help. He let me take my time getting to know him and we soon found our ideas of fun were quite a bit the same. Glued at the hip I spent 5 glorious years with the ONLY man I'd ever felt such deep endearing love for in my entire life. I'd found the one to grow old with. But..God had other plans and the 6th yr of "US" was spent in and out of hospitals and Dr.s offices as he courageously tried to fight Pancreatic Cancer. He was a proud man, never letting anyone but me know of his pain and fear. I lay on an air mattress by his bed each night helping him, talking to him, and caring for him until, Sept. 23rd, 2011 @ 8:55am when the Lord called him home.
I am now back in my shell, frieghtened that this is it for my life. Couped up in my apt. alone, day after day until I either die of intense lonelines or, an illness caused by my NOW life.
I am faced with phisical issues from things I endured while imprisoned by a cruel man and, it's shocking how even tho I was so happy and in love, how 6yrs on me has shown up like 15. I always took such pride in myself and still try to but, my physical appearance that can be publicly seen and some that would be privately seen is now my roadblock from life. The abuser won after all! I left, I ran never to look back but, he never left. It's all playing out as he'd planned. HE WON and I MISS MY WONDERFUL PARTNER! I cry a lot and constantly ask The Lord why, fter all I've been through in my life did He call my everything home and leave my nightmare here to haunt me, as he now is doing again since he heard of D's Passing. Why do I have to be reminded of that beast everytime I look in the mirror or, get dressed or, open my e-mail and on and on. Why does that beast have to interfere with my beautiful memories of D?
I'm trapped. I thank The good Lord D is no longer in pain and in a better place but, here..on earth...where I still exist... I cry. I cry so hard that I get so worn out and exhausted, I want to sleep so, I sleep. It passes the time until I pass on.
I wish to God I could live not just exist but I can't. I've learned that only people with money can erase the nightmaes. only the wealthy can fix phisical painful deformities. Only the people with money can take all that is ugly and make it shine and come to life again. and, it's the people like me where the beast will win OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
I have so much to give, so much wonderful life to live, so much to offer others YET....I will never get to be the me again that EVERYONE knew as the outgoing, funny, kind hearted helpful person that was so much fun to be around. It may sound vain but, just as I am missing out on LIFE and LIVING, so are the people the knew me..when.
I can only describe it as: Being trapped inside my own body yet, trapped inside someone I do not know. I am broken down, broken hearted and I have gifts that no one will ever recieve, and I will never again know the complete joy of giving.
I DO Believe in Jesus Christ and, maybe there is a miracle out there for me. If so... YOU WILL ALL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW!
My Name I know is Cyndi, That's all I know.