About Me
I am a 37 year old female living in MA. I dont mind that this is the first thing pple know about me--I like to get it out in the open-- I have a mental illness -- schizoaffective, bipolar type (1), severe depression, PTSD, as well as other things. But with meds I kind of fit in appearance wise and into society. I also have chronic pain. This profile may be "scattered" in thoughts/what I write because things come to me at different times and I'm just trying to get the info in, in as short a possible way so this profile isn't too long!
You'd never guess I am 37, maybe 25 or younger. I have a very hard time socializing. My life has been turned in all ways like the Tilt-a-whirl at an amusement park. Every day I wake up not knowing how I will be that day and how the day will go (like how tired I will get, will I get sick, will I even need sleep and finding something to do during those times). Because of my medical and psychological history I see doctors frequently and have tests done medically often--most appts in a week was 10. Now it averages to about 2-3. Some weeks I luck out with only 1. But that is what I do. I cant handle much more in life. I do my best though.
I went to 5 years of college at FSC (graduated in '95), did 3 internships within that time, passed the RD exam, graduated with honors, but was never able to practice becasue of my health and mental health. Though I want to stress that I wouldn't trade the experience and knowledge I learned for anything. I loved college, and sometimes I wish I could turn back time knowing what I know now, or not--either way it was a great experience. I was a nanny for a short term but had to end that because mental illness took over and I couldnt function with children anymore.
I wrote something regarding chronic pain/mental illness:
Having chronic pain and/or mental illness means many things change in life, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most pple don't understand these things and aren't aware of them. In letting those know who wish to understand, here is what I'd like you to understand:
Being sick doesn't mean I'm still not a human being. I spend most of my day in considerable mental and physical pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, ie, sometimes I probably dont seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I worry about my family, friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours.
The same thing between being happy and healthy is that I work on both everyday. I can't feel miserable all the time so I work on not being miserable. It doesnt mean I am not suffering somehow, or extremely tired, or that I am gettng better or any of those things. I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal.
Being able to do one thing one day doesnt mean I can do it the next--ie, if I am able to STAND up for 10 minutes doesn't mean I can do it for 20 minutes or an hour at any given point in time. If I need to lay down and rest, most times it doesn't mean I can wait 10-20-30 minutes to do so. I need to do it then. It just happens that way. With these diseases it gets more confusing everyday. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day how i am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases I dont know from minute to minute. Makes it hard to plan things, and live up to commitments.
In the above paragraph, please substitute sitting, walking, thinking, concetrating, being sociable, etc (it applies to everything) with the word STAND. Please try not to say "But you did it before" or "Oh, come on, you can do this". If you want me to do something then ask first if I can. I may also need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. Remember how lucky you are able to do all of the things that you can do.
Also, getting out and doing things does not always make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don't know what I go through or how I suffer in my own time. Telling me I need to exercise, or do some things to get my mind off whatever, may really frustrate me because what people dont see is that if I was capable of doing things I would do them. I am working with my doctors and I am doing what I am supposed to do. It's definitely not for lack of trying. I try to fit in and be normal.
Chronic pain and mental illness are hard to understand unless you you have been through them. They wreak havoc on the body and mind. It is exhausting and stressful almost all of the time. I am doing my best though. Please accept me as I am. I'm just asking you to try to be understanding in general.
In many ways I depend on others who are not sick to do everyday things. You are my link to the "normalcy" of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and hope to experience one day, just as soon as I am able.
THROUGH MY EYES (The Big Picture – how I see the world)
To me time is very important and it is the most precious gift that someone can offer. It’s something that everybody has. However not a lot of. It’s also something that a person can’t buy more of. To me, the greatest compliment in the world that someone can pay me is that they spent their time, with just me, being with me or thinking about me. And that deserves a lot of time in return.
While people see things as a process happening, to me I am just getting used to the part still that I am accepted and like being spoken to. And people tell me that they are amazed how accurate my insight is, just by observing or listening.
While there is an adult aspect to me, there is still part child in me looking through my eyes, and the world is still confusing. I have so much to learn and understand still.
So here I am today. Everyday is a challenge just to do something everyone does naturally, plus try to fit in. But I will always be me.
I don’t always act my age because I don’t know how to in some respects. And sometimes my reactions to things may reflect a younger person because that is all I know. It is really hard to fit in because as everyone gets older, I don’t seem to. And not being really my true age (not knowing how to be my real age) makes me gradually stick out from the crowd.
I like to observe people, listen, learn, and figure stuff out. Watch the world, wonder what’s out there. And how I have so much to learn, wondering will I ever get to experience just a little bit of everything. I am caught in between a child and adult – I need the emotional stuff to grow, room to play and learn as a child does, and then also have to figure out how to be my age and which age to be when around others my age. I am trying to move forward but there is so much I am finding I can’t do it on my own. And, there isn’t time for it all unless it is learned in fast forward.
I have had an eating disorder (at one point anorexia nervosa, and bulimia at another) since 1988 -- I am in remission now and pretty much cured--and I did it on my own.
There is a lot more to me but I cant think right now. I dont mind answering questions though.
I love to walk and do needlework. Unfortunately my hip broke (actually my femur, but the break was so high up they said it was my hip) from a stress fracture and had emergency surgery then because that didn't take I had to have surgery again, and because of lack of blood supply to the bone, I was told it never will heal and just recently had a total hip replacement (4/09), recovery going well with a one year recovery because of the damage done from the first 2 surgeries. For the first time in 2 years I am not in pain. I just need to still be careful.
Feel free to contact me at melissaw72@verizon.net
Photos
Recent Blog Posts
White rings
- melissaw72
- March 16, 2010
- views (72)
- comments (7)
What does this mean when you have these white things on your fingernails? Is it a sign of anything? (see picture) Melissa.
Fiber
- melissaw72
- March 15, 2010
- views (72)
- comments (15)
Fiber actually constipates me if I have too much. Does this happen to anyone else? Melissa.
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My recent comments
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To :olevia04
On: Back aches (Post) -
"Chiropractor or acupuncture might work. They can become expensive though. ..."
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To :melissaw72
On: White rings (Post) -
"Thank you Kjones. Melissa."
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To :animaluvr
On: gluten/caesin/soy intolerant, help! (Post) -
"I used to be a dietitian but havent kept up..."
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To :melissaw72
On: White rings (Post) -
"I was referring to the white oval-like thingon the nail..."
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To :caribqueen10
On: Foot Fungus (Post) -
"A dermatologist specializes in the skin (one thing of MANY..."
Photo Comments
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- melissaw72 says:
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Thank you! I like it too. Melissa.
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- Laughinglor says:
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Love it. especially since I have a feline friend. ...
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- SpryLilLady says:
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A smile on your face and a twinkle in your...
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- chrisbandster says:
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Melissa, thanks for your kind words. I love the cat...
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- melissaw72 says:
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Exactly lol :) Melissa.
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- IslemZyc64 says:
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hhhhh yeah its funny ....the poor cat he want to...
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- melissaw72 says:
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What do you mean........just thought it was a funny picture...
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- IslemZyc64 says:
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lol...but what for ??
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- IslemZyc64 says:
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yeah 2010 wish u the best and a happy life
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- IslemZyc64 says:
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hhhh i like this one ....I wish i could find...
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- melissaw72 says:
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Happy Holidays everyone! Melissa.
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- bawakaumi says:
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fine baby sleeping wit smile.i love u baby
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- bawakaumi says:
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ha ha ha such a funny cat,i like it
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- SpryLilLady says:
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Looking good Mellie!!!!!!
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- candyh says:
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HI--how adorable the cat is--I have 2 cats. CandyH
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- candyh says:
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HI--I just love the cat picture. I have 2 kitties...
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- melissaw72 says:
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Thank you Yvonne, I did cut my hair awhile back...
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- mymartinez says:
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Looking Goooood.I just noticed you put the new pic. on...
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- melissaw72 says:
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I know but she is beautiful. She looks a little...
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- NANAG says:
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She looks so sad!
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- melissaw72 says:
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Thank you...a friend of mine gave it to me and...
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- annes says:
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How precious is that, Melissa. My cat doesn't sleep on...
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- melissaw72 says:
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No, not me as a child. It's an Anne Geddes...
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- mymartinez says:
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I love her pictures also.At first I thought maybe it...
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- drnawzad says:
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hahahahaha very funny really very very nice
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- melissaw72 says:
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thanks sheilah :-) I like them too.
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- womanangel2 says:
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What a cute baby and awesom pictures
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- shada1 says:
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thats really funny>>>>>>
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- sludge says:
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Melissa, That is too cute, I like the facial expression...
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- melissaw72 says:
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lol I really don't know--looks like it, but what got...
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- melissaw72 says:
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:) lol yup!
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- sludge says:
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I got a close up, it's a melon peel! Too...
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- sludge says:
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Melissa, I like the cat one, is that a lime...
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- melissaw72 says:
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Thanks. I like being a part of sometihing. Thank you...
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- mymartinez says:
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Melissa,I love that saying.It is do hard to find friends...
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yes maybe my friends want orgasm drinks lol
I sent you an email..things have been very tense here. Am biting the bullet and am going to be working extra...not sure how long I will hold up but have to do it. It's warm here...68 degrees and it's 7:55pm. In the 80's today. Hope you are all right in the rain storms.
Happy St. Patricks day! Where are you?
Sent you an email...um, I'm spinning! I hope you are all right!
HI!!!! Just dropping by to tell you that. HI that is ha ha ha..and remember.....Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
Hi, Today I am looking forward to the Doctors show about the lady with the heart transplant. (Have it on DVR, have not seen it yet) I am looking forward to having a treadmill!! Hope it arrives soon. What's new with you? Migraine, you are welcome!
4:15 am getting ready for work.....chat later on tonight. Have a good day. Thanks for your help as always.
Thank You Melissa and 1turkey for your support.
Hi:
Please support my idea about migraine surgery challenge:
http://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/idea_comment/4581
Thank You
Hi Melissa. Being new here, I hope this is all right to say, maybe you could help out merryprin? Her last blog sounds ominous.
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