Hi, my name is Melissa.  I love being on this site because of the interaction and support, and learn things too. 

The first thing I would like people to know is that I have a mental illness -- schizoaffective, bipolar type (1), severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks (anxiety disorders) as well as other things.  But with meds I kind of fit in appearance wise and into society. Because of the meds though I need LOTS of sleep to function. This profile may be "scattered" in thoughts/what I write because things come to me at different times and I'm just trying to get the info in, in  as short a possible way so this profile isn't too long!

You'd never guess I am 39, maybe 25 or younger.   I have a very hard time socializing.  My life has been turned in all ways like the Tilt-a-whirl at an amusement park.  Every day I wake up not knowing how I will be that day and how the day will go (like how tired I will get, will I get sick, will I even need sleep and finding something to do during those times).  Because of my medical and psychological history I see doctors frequently and have tests done medically often.  I cant handle much in life. If I have any kind of stress, the hallucinations (voices mainly, but also seeing things) come back and take a very long time to leave.  Because of this I lead a VERY low profile life, not doing much during the day at all--I sleep, eat, watch TV, walk, correspond with people etc on the internet, sometimes I'm up for some crosstitch, go to doctors, shop for food and other things, and occaisionally go out and run errands if someone wants company.  I am not able to drive because I fall asleep without notice, have anxiety attacks, have a hard time watching things moving fast ... it is hard to explain but is one reaon I can't drive.

I went to 5 years of college at FSC (graduated in '95), did 3 internships within that time, passed the RD exam, graduated with honors, but was never able to practice becasue of my health and mental health.  Though I want to stress that I wouldn't trade the experience and knowledge I learned for anything.  I loved college, and sometimes I wish I could turn back time knowing what I know now, or not--either way it was a great experience.  I was a nanny for a short term but had to end that because mental illness took over and I couldnt function anymore. 

Having mental illness means many things change in life, and a lot of them are invisible.  Most pple don't understand these things and aren't aware of them.

    Being sick doesn't mean I'm still not a human being.  I spend most of my day in considerable mental and physical pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, ie, sometimes I probably dont seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body.  I worry about my family, friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours.

    The same thing between being happy and healthy is that I work on both everyday.  I can't feel miserable all the time so I work on not being miserable.  It doesnt mean I am not suffering somehow, or extremely tired, or that I am gettng better or any of those things.  I am merely coping.  I am sounding happy and trying to look normal.

    Being able to do one thing one day doesnt mean I can do it the next--ie, if I am able to STAND up for 10 minutes doesn't mean I can do it for 20 minutes or an hour at any given point in time.  If I need to lay down and  rest, most times it doesn't mean I can wait 10-20-30 minutes to do so.  I need to do it then.  It just happens that way.  With these diseases it gets more confusing everyday.  It can be like a yo-yo.  I never know from day to day how i am going to feel when I wake up.  In most cases I dont know from minute to  minute.  Makes it hard to plan things, and live up to commitments.

    In the above paragraph, substitute sitting, walking, thinking, concetrating, being sociable, etc (it applies to everything) with the word STAND.  I dont like when pple say "But you did it before" or "Oh, come on, you can do this" if I've said I can't already.  If you want me to do something then it's helpful to ask first if I can.  I may also need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute.  If this happens, please do not take it personally.  Remember how lucky you are able to do all of the things that you can do.

    Also, getting out and doing things does not always make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse.  You don't know what I go through or how I suffer.  Telling me I need to exercise, or do some things to get my mind off whatever, may really frustrate me because what people dont see is that if I was capable of doing things I would do them.  I am working with my doctors and I am doing what I am supposed to do.  It's definitely not for lack of trying.  I try to fit in and be normal.

   Mental illness is hard to understand unless you you have been through it. Please accept me as I am.  I'm just asking you to try to be understanding in general.

    In many ways I depend on others who are not sick to do everyday things.  You are my link to the "normalcy" of life.  You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and hope to experience one day, just as soon as I am able.

THROUGH  MY  EYES  (The Big Picture – how I see the world)

To me time is very important and it is the most precious gift that someone can offer.  It’s something that everybody has.  However not a lot of.  It’s also something that a person can’t buy more of.  To me, the greatest compliment in the world that someone can pay me is that they spent their time, with just me, being with me or thinking about me.  And that deserves a lot of time in return.

While people see things as a process happening, to me I am just getting used to the part still that I am accepted and like being spoken to.  And people tell me that they are amazed how accurate my insight is, just by observing or listening.

While there is an adult aspect to me, there is still part child in me looking through my eyes, and the world is still confusing.  I have so much to learn and understand still.

So here I am today.  Everyday is a challenge just to do something everyone does naturally, plus try to fit in.  But I will always be me.

I don’t always act my age because I don’t know how to in some respects.  And sometimes my reactions to things may reflect a younger person because that is all I know.  It is really hard to fit in because as everyone gets older, I don’t seem to.  And not being really my true age (not knowing how to be my real age) makes me gradually stick out from the crowd.

I like to observe people, listen, learn, and figure stuff out.  Watch the world, wonder what’s out there.  And how I have so much to learn, wondering will I ever get to experience just a little bit of everything.  I am caught in between a child and adult – I need the emotional stuff to grow, room to play and learn as a child does, and then also have to figure out how to be my age and which age to be when around others my age.  I am trying to move forward but there is so much I am finding I can’t do it on my own.  And, there isn’t time for it all unless it is learned in fast forward.

I have had an eating disorder (at one point anorexia nervosa, and bulimia at another) since 1988 -- I am in remission now and cured--and I did it on my own without hospital intervention. 

There is  a lot more to me but I cant think of them right now.  I dont mind answering questions though.

Feel free to contact me at melissaw72@verizon.net

Melissa.