We knew this day was coming. Thinking positive and hope and prayer notwithstanding ... she and I are realistic. I might be part romantic, schemer / dreamer, but we knew ... The dr. decided to stop any more chemo. He was afraid to do it again because it would only make her physically deteriorate more. I am officially holding a letter that says, "incurable malignancy".  I had thought I was prepared to hear it, and I was, but it was a hard thing to hear. He almost apologized for the decision, saying in part, that it was his jopb to make peoplel better, but in her case, all he could do was to keep her as well as he could as long as he could. This means hoispice care, and he suggested a DNR ... do not resusitate placed in her chart.

Now O have to tell people. And I am less prepared for that than I thought.

They transported her to the dr's ofc on a gurney and had her in the office, waiting to go in to a private area. I ahd arrived early, and watched all these people going to infusiin, thinking we would also, One lady, it was her 1st day. Poor Sunny weeping in pain, and wailing, and talking oiy of her head was on "display" for all to see, clklad in hospital gown and MANY of the necklaces I've made her, puking her guts up. I am not being insensitive, I am trying to paint a picture. I was a comic for 30 years ,,, there is humor for me in everything! LOL! If it hadn't been so sad, I'd have been amused. One poor lady almost ran out the door! I could almost see Carol Burnet playing the patient, or the scared woman! Everyone was freaking!Don't be upset with me over this ...my constant frame of life reference is humor.

 Last night, actually, yesterday, I got it in myn head that my time line has to escalaqtr times 10. I had been what I'd call falsely hopeful, because I am going to hate the move and hate absorbing all her stuff. She's alreay told me not to waste anything, that I should start using anything she had. On one hand I can, but on the other I am guilty.

Now instead of thinking I'd have a few months, it looks like weeks. The time is going to play out QUICK, and there is no waiting to see what will work out for me, or her. One of her physical therapists was so upset by the news, because they had bonded, Telling her was awful. I didn;t want to do it! I have to gather all our friends from several states and organize for them to visit her, before she is worse off and can't speak to them. That's not going to be easy.

I also have to organize, at her request, a sale of jewelry , because she wants to attend one last show with me and I have ordered to fund a last wish company that will accept her wish ... so far, she is just about not going to qualify. Mom has to be taken to her bedside. And I have to learn how to deal with this computer ... I have just about no computer skills. I was hoping for months ...not weeks.

I also have to get power of attorney and such. She already told me thatit was up to me if we found out that this was sue-able, because so many people misdiagnosed her ... I have her permission to do it.

I knew this appt. today was important, and all day yesterday, I knew the news would turn out like this. I spent some time awake in the middle of the night trying to come up with answers.

I got a packet of info, from a social worker, that I had hoped would help me. Nearly everything in it was not. I do not qualify fir most of the things in it. I am either too young, at 59, most paging places and agencies helping 65 or better. Or, are other extenguating circumstances, so that I am caugght in seversk cstch 22's. Mostn of what I do will be on my own. However I handle what I ahve to will be with what little I can do for myself. I can't blame my friends, either, because most are as disabled or indigent as I am. 

Bad day, indeed. Given how our life has gone, if you had told me last April, that I would walk this terrible path I've had to for a year, I'd have laughed at you. It hasn't been 100% bad, but bad enoough .... I have to catch my breath, I haven't a single moment to waste. I gotta get moving!

Rainbow